Learn three effective ways to overcome bitterness in your life by Tammy Whitehurst.
There comes a time when we are done.
Done with crying.
Done with anger.
Done with betrayal.
Done with bitterness.
Done with anxiety.
Done with not living healthy.
Flat out… done.
My Story
It’s like a slow cooker finally boiling over. Most days I wake up smiling, put on my armor, and with humor weave my way through whatever life throws at me. I have lived most of my life this way. My goal is to seek the sunshine and joyful things waiting to be found, which is not always easy. Then something happened.
Here’s how it began. I woke up and had an ugly enemy bombarding me from all directions. It was all I could do not to weep. The one thing I want is to live life fully alive, and being bitter was like sinking in quicksand—one slow, suffocating moment at a time.
As a child, I grew up in a big and happy family. A family that stuck together, valued our elders, laughed, and cried on one another’s shoulders. No matter what we did, good or bad, silly or serious, we loved each other. God gave me these people to call mine forever. They are my people. Of course, we had our hardships, tears and fears, but we always could stand up and brush ourselves off and keep going. We loved regardless.
I was always told I was a wonderful mother. At school, my students told me they wished I was their mother. I loved big and hugged hard. I thought I had done things right. Then, with little warning, a bomb hit, and emotional shrapnel flew everywhere. I felt as if my child walked away from the family. But most of all from me. I felt betrayed. She’d served as my sidekick on mission trips because she was a fearless leader. I’d laughed with her and cried with her. I’d cheered her on and encouraged her through tough days. Then she went away to college, and the unthinkable happened. She not only left home, it felt as if she left the family behind. Never calling to talk and rarely coming home. Relationships with siblings were strained, and being around her was awkward. She had fallen in love with someone who loved her with all his heart, but she forgot where she came from. I grieved. Cried. Wept and wailed.
I woke up every day to a new day, but never in a new way. It was another day without her. The phone never rang. The ping of a much-needed text was silent. It seemed like I was no longer important to her. I felt as if she discarded me like a dirty dishrag. Being sucker-punched by a loved one is exactly how it felt. The very one I would take a bullet for can sometimes pull the trigger. The feeling is indescribable. The pain of betrayal is deep and overcoming. It was a hard kick in the gut that left me gasping for air. Breathless. I got stuck in grief as if my feet were sinking in quicksand.
Those “heart-hurt” experiences of betrayal can make us either better or bitter. Being bitter scars. And many times is followed by trying to get even. Being better is splattered with hope. I made my choice. I chose to be bitter. Headaches, heartaches, and hard days lay ahead. I fell flat on my face and tripped over the trials of life. I shut the door on opportunities and opened the door to a destructive emotion named Bitter. I welcomed him in and said hello to one of the ugliest enemies a person can face—the enemy who steals joy, quiets laughter, smothers hope, ushers in loneliness, and gut punches the soul. Bitterness hardens the heart but disguises itself as strength. Don’t be fooled. I knew if I chose bitterness over betterness, it would sabotage me. Depression crept in and I stayed in bed too long, wanting to hide under the covers and disappear became a reality. Bitter was the taste coming off my tongue and the taste was bad. Tears came daily and sadness loomed over me like a dark cloud.
It took a while, but finally I woke up one morning, and I was done. Enough was enough! It was time to live again, trust again, and love without boundary lines. I was face to face with backing up and starting over. How we back up determines how the rest of our life turns out. I had to start over. To get back in the race and run with arms wide open to the life that lay ahead. But most of all, to never give up hope in a relationship being restored.
I had to stop walking around smelling like smoke from being burned. I realized that I also had blamed, shamed, and said things I could not take back. Once words are said, they can only be forgiven, not forgotten. It was time for me to take responsibility, too. As a hardheaded, outspoken, southern woman, I learned God couldn’t fix what I wouldn’t face. So I faced it head on. The truth is, I gave my opinion too much, and an opinion given without being asked for was criticism. My opinion used to make sense. Now it just gave offense.
My daughter didn’t feel she could ever measure up to my expectations. I apologized, with tears streaming down my cheeks. I wailed. I wept. I wanted her back as my daughter. However, she was not interested in me being in her life at this point. She could live without me being a part of her life. I had a tough choice to make.
Since the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit, I figured I qualified. I got out of the line of fire. I threw up the white flag of surrender. I immersed myself in His Word. He pulled me up, lifted my chin, and assured me Jesus loved her more than I did. But most of all, He assured me I was lovable. I am still lovable. The words I so needed to know. The Bible is full of promises and comfort, and it was time I believed them for myself.
I could not control whether or not she loved me. I had to face the cold hard fact: I had no control over anything except my own actions. It was time to pay attention to how I reacted from this day forward. It was time to seek the sunshine again.
We all go through some kind of heart hurt and betrayal. From my experience, I know it will steal your laughter, kill your joy, and try to destroy hope. The only anecdote for bitterness is forgiveness. Forgiveness is a strong-willed decision. However, it is the only decision that would bring me freedom from the prison of bitterness.
No more sitting, soaking, and souring. When we forgive and allow Jesus to heal our broken heart, he rearranges the letters in depression to spell “I pressed on.” We can hide our hurts behind closed doors or out in the open. Want to live life fully alive and experience day-to-day joy? Forgiveness is the only option. Unforgiveness disqualifies. The price for unforgiveness is too high. We must sell all of our stock in it now and press on.
Part of pressing on is to allow God to use someone to show us compassion. To be transparent and trust the one God sends. Compassion need not be complicated. Comfort doesn’t require big words or wise advice. Comfort for me was a friend’s shoulder, crying till I could cry no more, and her petting my hair softly. Sometimes saying “I am sorry” is the best thing someone can say to someone who is hurting. And sometimes, when it’s been a really tough week, it’s all we need to hear. My friend assured me I was lovable. I needed to hear it.
When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer (Psalm 94:19 NLT).
“Father God, show me how to love like You do. Show me how to express my deep, unconditional love in a way people can receive. Heal the places in my heart where I feel rejected and betrayed, and if bitterness is trying to build a wall, tear it down. I do not want to carry around anything in my heart that should not be there. I want freedom, forgiveness, and joy. Only You can set me free. Because of You, I have hope that one day full restoration will happen because You tell me love never fails. In Jesus’s name, I pray. Amen.”
How can we learn ways to overcome bitterness when we’ve been betrayed?
So here is the million-dollar question. How do we overcome bitterness when we’ve been betrayed? How do we truly forgive? When we seek Christ more than we seek revenge, He will unlock the prison door of bitterness. A life lived with bitterness is a life half lived. Jesus can put a heart back together when unforgiveness is ripping it apart. Begin by trusting Jesus to do what He says He will do. He will come through. Everyone comes with some kind of baggage. Some of us pack bitterness. Other’s negativity or perhaps anger. Jesus loves us enough to help us unpack.
Here’s three simple ways you can begin the process:
- Make a list of the bitterness that is causing you to struggle.
- Sit before Jesus and go over your list, pray and ask God to help you release the bitter events and hurts.
- Tear up the list as a symbol of letting go and allow God to help you heal from the very thing that caused you to be broken-hearted.
About the Author
Tammy Whitehurst is a full-time speaker encouraging audiences to live life kicked up a notch. Her contagious joy will capture your heart. She is a former middle school teacher who struggles like the rest of us with life, cellulite, junk drawers, and wrinkles. Connect with her at TammyWhitehurst.com.
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