Sometimes all someone needs is a listening ear and a caring heart. You can become a hero by providing these things to people who are hurting or going through a mental health crisis. Not long ago, I comforted a woman who had lost a child by suicide.
We’d known each other long enough that she didn’t need to force anything with me. I had just been with her, her husband, and their children, only days before at an annual Christian retreat. Only one of her children was missing, which is why we were suddenly together again. He ended his life by suicide while we were at the retreat.
As a pastor for more than twenty years, it’s not the first time I’ve sat with a grieving parent, a suicide-loss survivor. I’ve volunteered with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) for more than a decade as a means of giving back for surviving my own bout with suicidal ideations. Yes, pastors can suffer from mental health disorders, often doing so silently by hiding their struggles from church members. Along the way, I’ve learned a few things about suicide that may help you if you come across someone struggling with suicidal thoughts.
3 Factors Leading to Suicidal Crisis
1. A hurting brain.
A fabulous doctor who consults with the AFSP shared this analogy with me. A suicidal brain is like a broken bone. When it happens, all a person can think about is the break. The pain overwhelms every thought, and one just wants it to stop. Making the pain go away becomes the priority.
2. Poor thinking.
Since the pain consumes one’s thoughts, thinking becomes limited. One doesn’t make good decisions. I liken suicide to the most rational irrational choice a person can make or the most irrational rational choice. Either way, one’s thinking is unclear, and their decisions are not levelheaded.
3. Collision point.
The decision to end one’s life is never simple or driven by a single cause. Losing a job can be a disruptive and frightening experience. A lover’s breakup can be heartbreaking and painful. A prolonged illness can be exhausting and debilitating. A mental health illness can be overwhelming and depleting. Being shamed and bullied on social media can be horrible and spirit-crushing. These and other difficult circumstances can lead one to despair, but most often not to suicide. Suicidal thoughts usually arise when multiple factors collide. The combination pushes the mind and soul to the brink, leaving one with the feeling that no other alternative exists.
Theological Considerations
Suicidal crises and suicides often leave people asking questions of God. In the Bible, when a suicide happens, little explanation is given. When enemy soldiers were about to capture King Saul, he took his own life, rather than being mocked and killed by them (1 Samuel 31). Judas ends his life after returning the ill-gotten silver coins to the religious leaders (Matthew 27). These accounts feel like news reports.
The Bible’s suicidal ideation and crisis provide a more fulsome understanding. For instance, after killing Queen Jezebel’s priests, Elijah fled. When he became exhausted from his terrifying escape and in dread of the queen, he sat under a juniper tree. He wanted to die because of the shame of his actions. Elijah then fell asleep, and in time an angel woke him, offering him bread and water, which he ate. He slept some more until the angel aroused him again with more food and drink.
God was with Elijah. Instead of affirming Elijah’s desire to die, God sent him an angel. Elijah slept, and the angel fed him. Both actions are central to suicidal crises. Sleep is a positive response, in part, because it allows one’s brain chemistry to reset. A typical suicidal crisis lasts about 35 minutes to an hour. By eating and drinking, Elijah sated his physical needs, which likely helped settle his mental state. He then slept more. In time, he ate more. What’s more, the angel gave him a new purpose. He had to eat up before his long trip, his new mission.
What is missing? God doesn’t condemn Elijah for his suicidal thoughts. He doesn’t reject Elijah when he becomes exhausted and full of shame. God sends an angel who lovingly attends to Elijah’s needs. He doesn’t criticize or cajole Elijah. God doesn’t abandon him but renews his spirit. While God doesn’t acknowledge Elijah’s difficulties, he does give him purpose as a valued divine messenger.
Now that you are more aware of suicide and its complexities, you are also better equipped to help. All you need to do is be someone’s angel. Care for them as they move through their crisis. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention notes that some 1.5 million people attempt suicide each year, and more than twelve million seriously consider it. These facts mean that suicide’s prevalence is widespread, touching most families. Thus, it is likely that you will encounter someone who needs your assistance.
How to Help
Suicide is complex, but you can help anyone in its throes.
Talk is best. You can’t make anyone feel suicidal by asking if they might want to harm themselves. Gently feel them out by saying, “You seem like you’re struggling. Are you having thoughts about hurting yourself? Do you have a plan to end your life?”
Listen. Be the person who is willing to hear their story and pain. Be an everyday hero. Take them to the hospital if needed, and don’t hesitate to call 988 for help.
News reports often describe suicide as if it’s a crime. They’ll say, “He committed suicide.” That’s wrong. A hurting brain is not a crime but an illness. Compassion is needed, not condemnation. While media reporting and stories are improving, they’re not yet perfect. Even AI programs get it wrong, though the companies say they’re working on it. So, it’s best to be aware of your family members’ and friends’ moods and let them talk if they’ve been sad for more than a few days.
Suicide is not inevitable. While suicidal thoughts and ideas are a common human experience, most people don’t follow through, and with help, many find health and vitality return quickly. When people who care for them step up and listen, miracles happen. Heroes are made.
Author Bio
Robert D. Flanagan is an Adjunct Professor at Virginia Theological Seminary and Chaplain at General Theological Seminary. He is the author of the Courage to Thrive book series. Learn more about Bob at robertdflanagan.com.