If you are a survivor of trauma or abuse, you may feel overwhelmed by your experiences. You may also be unsure of how to effectively cope with the intense anxiety, depression, or anger that intrudes into your heart and mind. Fortunately, there are many ways that you can learn to manage your emotions and develop healthy coping skills. These self-care strategies can help you feel more in control of your life. As you learn to process some of your intense emotions, you can begin to build your self-confidence and move beyond the trauma.
A big part of overcoming trauma or abuse is to practice healthy self-care. Self-care can take many forms, but it helps to consider how God designed us. You are designed as a body, soul, and spirit (1 Thessalonians 5:23). So, good self-care includes attention to all three of these dimensions. Below are some tips and strategies for nurturing all three of these areas with special attention to your soul (i.e., your mind and emotions).
Self-Care Strategies for Your Physical Health
You may know that your physical health influences the level of energy you have for coping with your emotions. Self-care strategies to nurture your body include:
· Getting adequate sleep (most people do need 8 hours).
· Maintaining healthy nutrition (adequate calories, food groups, protein, etc.); and
· Avoiding excessive sugar, caffeine, alcohol, or recreational substances.
These principles may sound basic, but many survivors of trauma or abuse may nurture others well while neglecting their own needs! So, if you are neglecting one of these areas of self-care, think about one step you can take to improve how well you are taking care of your physical health.
Self-Care Strategies for Calming the Body
As a survivor of abuse or trauma, you know that there are times when your body reacts to stress. It may be difficult to soothe that anxiety. Everyone is different, so here are some different approaches to help you reduce the physical reactions to stress:
· Deep breathing exercises to help your body relax and become calmer.
· Guided imagery that combines some form of relaxation (like breathing) with a soothing image.
· Tapping gently on pressure points in the body as you verbalize acceptance of the emotion.
· Progressive relaxation exercises that focus on gently tensing and relaxing muscle groups.
· ASMR videos that use quiet, repetitive sounds or images (like a crackling, holiday fireplace) that calm the brain.
If you are not familiar with these self-care strategies for anxiety, you can find dozens of videos on YouTube that will guide you through the techniques. You can find them by searching for videos with the terms noted above in bold print. On my YouTube channel, I have a faith-based video titled ” Relaxation with Imagery” that incorporates progressive relaxation with soothing imagery. Choose the self-care techniques that work best for you.
Self-Care Strategies for Your Heart and Mind
Your soul is your unique personality: your thoughts, emotions, choices, and social needs. You may not know how to adjust the way you think to manage intense emotion. However, there are simple strategies that can help you improve your coping skills and self-care in this dimension of your personality.
Although you can’t control whether or not you have an emotion, you can learn to pay attention to your thoughts. It’s important to notice harsh or negative self-talk. Many people repeat things to themselves that they first heard from an abusive parent or partner. Learn to recognize the signs of abuse and resist blaming yourself for the anger or cruelty of a person from your past. If you don’t know how to recognize emotional abuse, here is an article that explains the signs: “Domestic violence against women: Recognize patterns, seek help.”
If you say things to yourself that you would not say to a friend, you are not nurturing yourself. Don’t allow abuse or trauma from your past to control how you talk to yourself now. The Bible teaches us to take charge of our negative thoughts (2 Corinthians 10:5, Philippians 4:8), and that includes how we talk to ourselves! Good self-care involves:
· Recognizing negative thinking/self-talk.
· Replacing your negative thinking with positive, realistic thoughts.
Let me give you an example from my own life. I play pickleball, and when I make a mistake, my first thought can be “You are a terrible player” or “that was stupid.” I don’t say these things out loud and would never talk to another player that way. I have had to develop new thoughts to replace the automatic negatives. When the old self-criticism comes to mind, I replace it with, “I can try again next time,” or “I am still improving. I don’t have to be perfect.” In this way, I begin to shift from self-criticism to self-care. You can find more examples of how to change your thinking in this article: “How Does Trauma Interfere with Coping?”
Self-Care in Managing Painful Emotion
Managing emotions is somewhat similar. You can’t stop your initial emotional response to events. You can coach yourself through the emotion rather than being controlled by the emotion. Here is how to do that:
· Respect the emotion rather than trying to push it away.
· Reason with yourself about the emotion. Try to replace assumptions like “never” or “always” with gentle coaching. This will soothe the harsh emotion to some degree.
An example, again from my own life, is that I might feel inadequate after losing too many games in a row on the pickleball court. I have learned to accept the disappointment for that day and then reason with myself. I may remind myself that I played against excellent athletes, that I got to spend time with my friends, or that I will probably do better the next time. When I reason with the emotion, it doesn’t vanish, but it becomes more manageable.
You practice self-care when you respect your emotions and then gently focus on the logic that can soften the intensity of the emotion. You want to protect yourself from spending too much time passively tolerating miserable emotions.
You are probably aware of the need for good social support as part of your self-care. These supports can come from friends, formal support groups, online groups, 12 Step Groups, a Bible study, or a club. You may have trouble trusting people if you are a survivor of trauma or abuse. So, it’s okay to trust slowly and wisely. Take your time to help yourself feel safe. If one group isn’t safe, then try a different group. You will meet other people who have had similar life experiences and will understand you.
Self-Care Strategies for Your Spirit
As a survivor of trauma or abuse, you might find it difficult to connect with God. You might think that God is mad at you or disappointed in you. You may be angry that God did not stop the abuse or trauma that you experienced.
There are no simple ways to resolve this problem of suffering. However, for myself, when I have been through a crisis or destabilizing loss, I am reminded of Jesus. Jesus voluntarily died so that I can have open communication with God (John 10:18, Hebrews 10:19-20). He didn’t have to die, but He suffered for me because I am worth the cost to Him.
I would encourage you to focus on Jesus as you start to care for your spiritual needs. Spend a few minutes each day reading the Bible to cultivate your connection to Jesus. A good place to start is in books like the Gospel of John, Psalms, or Proverbs. A few minutes of reading the Bible each day will enlighten you with God’s gentle perspective, wisdom, and courage.
Learn to take your needs and emotions to Jesus. He died so that you have a place to take those burdens that are too heavy for you to carry (Matthew 11:28, Philippians 4:6-7). Learn to lean into His gentle presence to deepen your sense of peace (Psalm 23:1-3, Psalm 46:10-11). Jesus is accepting of you and available for you regardless of where you have been or what you might have done.
When to Seek Professional Care
This article has explained a variety of effective self-care strategies for survivors of trauma. Despite your best efforts, you may need professional assistance from a doctor or a therapist. Here are the signs that you should seek professional care:
· If you are thinking about harming yourself.
· If you are doing things to damage your body.
· If you are thinking about harming others.
· If you are unable to keep up with the demands of daily life.
You may have tried many strategies to find peace as a survivor of trauma or abuse. If your best efforts aren’t helping you find that peace, please take the next step in self-care and contact your doctor or a mental health professional. You are worth it.
About the Author
Toni Cooper, Psy.D., is a psychologist and independent author. She has published six Self-help books to teach people how to understand themselves and build coping skills from a Biblical perspective. In her free time, Toni enjoys playing pickleball, ballroom dancing, and watching documentaries.